In my pursuit of my master’s degree (Master of Arts in Human Services, Communication Studies Specialization; and yes, sometimes I like to say it just because it sounds fancy) my first class centered on human development across the lifespan.
Best. Class. Ever. I should be writing a 20 page research paper on divorce for said class right this minute, but, I’m 11 pages in and need a break.
This class shows the timeline of human life and discusses the various physical and mental changes. I’ve learned that there are attachment theories that can screw up a kid’s relationships in life based on holding him or her (“it”, as I used to say) too much in infanthood, that babies are on a schedule of their own – and one block of their day is just crying… Crying for no reason at all….I’ve learned that teenagers are missing a substantial part of the thought process, convincing them they are invincible, and learned that apparently all smart life starts at 40.
While all of that is fascinating, I’ve learned one thing that has rocked my world, academically and theologically.
The mental step from childhood to adulthood is comprised of one key fact: children (infant to age 13) tend to think in black and white. Adolescence (13-19) begins not so much at an age (the ones mentioned are guidelines) but at a breaking away from the black and white thought – when they begin to think abstractly. It’s here where their constant questioning begins, and while some of it can sound disrespectful (and sometimes is), in reality, it’s often innocent. Adults should be encouraged – it’s this stage of cognitive development in teens that the foundations of their lives are built on.
PARENTS, I HAVE A TIP FOR YOU!!
(Side note: I know I don’t have kids (I have one dog and three cats – and yes I know they don’t count) but I have read a lot.)
It has been proven that parenting techniques that allow for the questions and the abstract thoughts are the most beneficial. Answering a teen’s question of “Why can’t I…” with “Because I said so!” does not engage the thought process; it shuts it off. Engaging them is not necessarily encouraging a disrespectful attitude as much as it’s engaging cognitive growth.
(The above paragraph is key to this post. If you quit reading because I mentioned parenting and that I have 4 pets, go back and read it.)
It hit me while studying that my religious background didn’t allow for abstract questioning of Jesus or my parents. Because of that, I have spiritually thought like a child for 28 years. My view of life was black and white. “This is right. That is wrong. Don’t go there. Read this. Don’t wear that. Do this. Don’t say that. Don’t you dare think that.” Our religious To Do list is written on white paper in black ink. It is firm. No bending! No thinking! No questioning!
I was recently asked if my religious background hampered me. While it has given me gifts too numerous to count, I do have to admit it somewhat hindered my thinking. I didn’t dare question the parents, the elders, the Bible, the Church or God.
I have remained a child, married to black and white thought; in a world full of divorceable, grey questions.
The Bible clearly states in certain passages (my mother graciously wrote them up for me) that divorce is wrong. However. What do you do, church, when someone else in life divorces you? Or when life brings you to a point where you either stay in a marriage where you are not wanted or you break away and build a life on your own? What do you do when your dad gets cancer; and your mom can’t find a job? What do you do when you live black and white and life throws you a whole pot of grey? What do you do when you live the Christian standards the best you can and then life hands you things that don’t fit the ideal?
You don’t fall back into the trap that black and white thought is. Just as grey hair is a sign of maturity, you go grey and grow up.
One of my favorite quotes is from Fletch and addresses this issue (indulge me please, yes, more than you already have):
“Fletch: Well, there we’re in kind of a grey area. Frank Walker: How grey? Fletch: Charcoal.”
And that is my answer to most of my own questions: Charcoal; or 1 Corinthians 13:11.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”
When you live the Christian life to the best of your ability, you establish a relationship with Jesus so firm that no matter what color the question, you respectfully ask it. And then you wait for the answer. Some of them you’ll get. Some you won’t. Some of the answers you get you won’t like (go ahead and buckle up for that piece of it now). Some of his answers are in red.
I’m not advocating that teens (or us ‘adults’ in the faith) break all the rules. Society has them; we need them. I’m not advocating that you make up some feel-good religion in which you do whatever you want. In fact, I’ve seen the opposite come true. The traditional man-made rules have been replaced with God setting his rules down with mine. Amazingly, they are harder but better.
I AM saying that you take the black and white to God, and let him determine what shade of grey his rules are going to look like in your life. Divorce is wrong, however, I’m in the process of divorce. Not his plan or mine, but we’re both working with it, and He’s taking that once purely black issue and marching me through various shades of grey.
Other than my dancing moves and the color of my skin I’ll never be purely white; not this side of heaven, and other than my black, bitter heart I’ll never be definitively dark.
So, I’m [almost] divorced, and charcoal, and growing up in the faith.
For both teens (spiritually and cognitively) and “adults” in the faith (spiritually and cognitively) I offer the Grey List:
Wrestle with the religious ideals and tenets of your childhood faith and
Question and
Grow and
Live.