On Call June 4, 2009

“I’m on call, to be there. One and all, to be there. And When I fall, to pieces. Lord you know, I’ll be there waiting.”

If you know anything about me, you know I carry a book with me everywhere I go. Not only do I carry one like a security blanket but I have them tucked and hidden in the following places: Charlotte’s Web is in the car, Their Eyes Were Watching God is on the sofa, 2 Collections (1 is an assortment of CS Lewis works, the other an assortment of the historical feminist writings) are sleeping on the pillow beside me.

As of late the book that’s been to Boys Bash, Rocky Mount, Target, Girl’s Jamboree, sitting in traffic…you get the idea – has been Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. Since this post has been about books, you should be forewarned that what’s about to follow in the next day or two will read more like a 4th grader’s book report, rather than general musings on life.

What should have been an easy read has taken me four weeks to get through. Looking at the book you’ll see every other page corner folded down, and the inside of each page has slightly more pencil than typed text on it. Each chapter deals with various ideas on trust – which has been something that I’d convinced myself was an impossibility for me in my lifetime.

Rather than unload my trust issues, there’s a totally different direction I want to go.

The one overwhelming thing these past two years has been the unlikely support system that I have had. When my world fell apart in the course of a few hours (years) and I didn’t have the strength to stand on my own, a very eclectic group of people stepped in. At times, especially in the beginning, they carried the burden for me and guided me to a foundation to gather my footing. Over the course of the past year they have given me back what was mine to carry and given me the strength through their encouragement and incredible wisdom to slowly stand and begin to walk.  It’s this one issue that has caused me to spend many hours in prayer and in tears – all in gratitude.

One excerpt from the book literally made me weep tears of absolute joy, because I so strongly identify with his sentiments:

In my efforts to overcome my lifelong struggle with self-hatred, the despair of ever being worthy of love, I have been aided immeasurably by trusted and trusting friends who, with no ulterior motive, see something in me that I cannot see in myself. They do not merely tell me; they relate to me in a way which shows that they find me loveable. Learning to trust my friends has been a slow but valuable process.

After one full year (both 04/24/08-04/24/09 and 05/15/08-05/15/09) I now stand straight before them; a testament to the enormous amount of Jesus-love that each one of them possesses and shared with me.

And it’s to: my family, my office family, Pat & Jan, Theresa, Joseph & Sarah, Luc & Eric, Tony, Dave & Jenn, Holly & Chad, Amber & Jason, Ryan & Heather, Jay & Andrea, Veronica, John & Rebecca, Travis & Kelly,  Jeremy, Jason, the girls at Book Club and the boys on the Youth Board that I say:

Thank  you, for saving me when I didn’t care to be saved, pouring into me when I wasn’t convinced there was anything worth investing in, and loving me when I was at my best unlovable. You all will never know the deep amount of gratitude and love I hold in my heart for you. Should you ever need ANYTHING, CALL.

“I’m on call, to be there. One and all, to be there. And When you fall, to pieces. Lord you know, I’ll be there waiting.” (KoL)

Because of the Times May 18, 2009

In the family of Pentecostalism, the Church of God was originally one denomination. As typically tends to happen, ego, legalism, and stubbornness led to a parting of ways; resulting in the birth of the Church of God of Prophecy.

Luc and I grew up in church; she in one, I in the other. I tend to see the two denominations as twin sisters; fundamentally alike and fundamentally different.

They are alike in the sense that each instilled in us profound ideologies, traditions, faith in something other than ourselves, and a belief system of sorts. They are different in the sense that the Church of God is like the sister that we OP’ers would say “rebelled” and got jewelry, gold lame and big hair. The OP on the other hand is the stubborn-play-by-the rules (EVERY rule)-penny-marching-too-tightly-wound-sister.

Luc and I often discuss the church. It’s the thing that brought us together and has formed some of the best friendships I’ve had in my entire life.

As we’ve stated on here quite a lot recently, we attended the Kings of Leon concert in Fairfax. In case we didn’t love those boys and their man-vests before, we are now what you could call big time fans. These days it’s a big deal to go to a concert and hear someone sound better than the cd. In my opinion, the music industry (along with photography/art and Photoshop – don’t get me started!) has changed dramatically. So much of what we hear isn’t real – it’s synthetically created in a studio with a technician mixing each and every element to a precise level of perfection that isn’t able to be reproduced in real life.

It’s this central issue of reality that has bombarded my life these past two years, and is now finding itself in some boys playing rock-n-roll and my spiritual life. Eric brought me a copy of the Rolling Stones article regarding the Kings (Thanks Eric!!) and I jotted down the quotes that jumped out in the 8 page spread:

“You’re under the microscope,” Nathan says.  “It was like TMZ before TMZ. God forbid you get caught going to a theater, or watching TV. Then you’re screwed*.” P. 42  (*He didn’t say screwed, he used a word that I don’t think I can post on here.)

“By the end of their relationship she had seen this powerful man of God becoming more human every day,” says Caleb. “He had a lot of character flaws.” P. 43

“When Ivan left the pulpit, Caleb became disillusioned. “I was going to be a preacher – it was everything I knew,” he says. “My heart got broken, seeing that it was impossible to be perfect. So I said to myself, ‘I have to go the opposite way’.” P. 45

Maybe it is because perception becomes reality, but the one thing I see in these quotes is the fact that the church doesn’t handle reality well; nor do they allow anyone else to choose it. The rules are so strict there is no room for failure (and let me tell you, with a ‘failed’ marriage at the age of 28 I’m knocking that one out of the ball park), and we have somehow instilled this idea that perfection is attainable for every member and every leader.

Because of the times I am living in, reality has become something I yearn for. I am choosing to keep people in my life who embrace reality – and life with all of its imperfections. If they can’t accept me with my faults and failures, I have no desire for relationship. This idea seems to be at odds with the church.

And I wonder, is this something the next generation can help to change – or will the church that gave me my history and heritage continue to exist in a bubble, alienating them from the very people that they are commissioned to reach, when they have trouble admitting that they are one in the same?

Holy Roller Novocaine May 14, 2009

yes, this is where i grew up

A friend (Hi Tony!) sent this pic to me this morning.  Oddly, it fell on the heels of a oft-repeated, never-resolved conversation my husband & I had last night regarding our Pentecostal background.  This is the marquee from the church I grew up in.  Honestly, I am pretty much a lapsed Pentecostal at this point.  Though I spent twenty-odd years attending a Church of God, and even worked for the church itself, it’s mostly been an uneasy fit.  But to paraphrase Tim O’Brien, it’s one of the things I carry-a huge chunk of my personal DNA.

To be Pentecostal is to be fluent in a language that is something of a mystery to the outer world.  Last month, Rolling Stone profiled Kings of Leon, and I couldn’t help but laugh to see the music industry bible attempt to explain the culture of the band’s childhood:  mixed bathing, traveling evangelists, youth camp, camp meeting, prayer lines, hymns, no shorts, no secular anything.  Strange to your average Rolling Stone reader I’m sure, but  par for the course to any Pentecostal.  Personally, my parents were not very strict.  I think they just liked certain things too much to let them go, so I cut my teeth on the movies and music of their youth-namely the Vietnam era.  Every year my aunt had to sew culottes for my cousins and myself so we could be properly kitted up for youth camp.  Our usual summer uniform of shorts & tanks was not allowed, so for one week out of the year we looked the part of modest Church of God girls.  The culottes were then relegated to the back of the drawer never to be looked at again.

My husband is the son of a Church of God preacher.  We met at the fore-mentioned camp.  I don’t think Eric saw a movie until he was a teenager.  When he & I stopped attending a Church of God, he was informed that he was breaking a family tradition of generations.  And while Pentecostalism can make for an exuberant and warm environment,  it can also leave you with the sense that you can never ever measure up.  It’s part of our shared DNA-one that’s oddly made for a pretty strong alliance between the two of us.

I guess that’s one reason I do adore Kings Of Leon.  In the midst of the sex and the drugs and the absolutely lethal rock-n-roll, you can hear the echoes and vibrations of countless Sunday nights spent squirming in a church pew absorbing things that are mysterious and wonderful and terrifying.  You can’t really amputate any part of your childhood, can you?  It stays with you in one form or another.  The things we carry…

The Kings April 26, 2009

From Friday night.  And you’re welcome:)  A man with ears like that wearing a vest like that over a wifebeater has no right to be that hot esp. while singing about knocking up his white-trash girlfriend.  It defies all logic.

Name me a better band playing today.  Can’t be done.