Luc promised you that if we were to get deep, we’d alert you. So – is there a lifeguard on duty?
The “old me” would’ve looked high and low for said lifeguard…and finding no one to point out the potential dangers of what I am about to do (that of swimming alone), my quiet law-abiding self would not do it, regardless of the fact that some days I’m convinced I have fins for feet.
The “new me” looks around and seeing no one, runs gleefully for the diving board and half swan-dives/half belly-flops into the deep end, all the while reveling in the fact that I am swimming. And not just swimming – but swimming on my own.
Somewhere between those two Tinas exists the Katina who is balanced. Maybe it’s because of the past year and what I’ve endured, maybe it’s because I’m turning a year older, maybe it’s because I have people in my life who refuse to let me forget – but here lately; this 2009 year for example, I have been torn between the “old me” and the “new”.
I had considered not ever mentioning real life on here and just discussing the new lip gloss I bought (Revlon ColorStay Mineral LipGlaze in Lasting Shimmer, FYI) or what cute/obnoxious/absolutely adorable thing Sam has done recently (hopping into the bath tub on his own because he knew it was Wednesday…aka: BATH DAY); but neither the old or new me can pretend like life isn’t happening at a frightening pace.
Life has this phenomenal way of turning out completely opposite to the way I had planned. The “old” K-tina had life mapped out on a calendar: School. Marriage. Job. School. Kid(s). Sprinkled in those years were all the fun and laughter one tiny girl could produce; along with family, friends, church, volunteering and living outside as much as possible.
The “new” K-tina has earned the degree but isn’t using it, was married and now is separated, has been at the same place of employment for 9 years, is just now going back to school, and the only kids in my life are the furry kind…oh, and those that belong to close friends (like Luc’s mini-her: Ava Grace Charlene). Sprinkled in those years have been a lot of deep belly laughs but also deeper pains/hurts/resentments, family who is struggling to let me live what I have just recently realized is MY life, friends – both old and new (even though I swore I’d never open up again), a church where I no longer feel at home in spite of my 19 year residency, opportunities to give that stretch me to degrees that I never knew existed, and living alone.
April has always been a prominent month in my life: my birthday, Easter, Tax Day (this one is infinitely more important now that I’m an adult), and my sister’s birthday there at the end. In an effort to make the month crazier, add my anniversary smack in between paying the government and the birth of my best friend. The month starts with April Fool’s Day, which I just find ironic at this point.
April’s showers are putting a hold on this fool’s swim time, and I’m not happy about it. That would be the voice of the “new me”, who is itching to dive into life and all the possibilities that it holds. I don’t know where I’m going? OK – that means ADVENTURE! I don’t know how I’ll get there? OK – I’ll just step out in faith and go at least as far as I can. I’ve lived in an in-between state for a really long time, and that’s no way to live. I’m now seeing life take me far, far away from my previous hopes and dreams, and it’s replacing the “old” with the “new”. And while it terrifies me, there’s that new thing in me that is so excited it’s already destroyed the map and calendar that the “old me” had perfectly folded up.
The “old me” is yelling at the “new me”. The “old me” mourns the fact that life isn’t looking like it should. The “old me” says ‘you can’t swim till after Memorial Day’, tries to schedule out the answers to problems – both how and when they will come, maps the reasons why people are here, and is frantically gluing the calendar back together.
So here both sides of me sit, looking at April with its various days of rain and sun, frigid nights and warm days, celebratory moments and days I dread to relive. And as I consider turning another year older, when in reality I feel like I’ve easily aged five instead of one, I look at this block of 30 days (31 depending on who you ask) and think to myself myselves “What in the world do I do?”
And here all of those conflicting thoughts and emotions that comprise every human being come together in me and say “Take the day off – the work will be there when you return, wait for the storm to pass, and; if there’s no lifeguard at least tell someone where you’re going…and DIVE IN! You’ll never know how cold the water is, or how it will refresh your soul until you do.”
So. April. Bring it. Bring your storms, your days of healing warmth, your days where I’m alone and the days I’m surrounded by incredible people, your smiles and laughter, your heartache and pain. Bring me what I never thought I needed, bring me my hopes, bring me my dreams, and please bring me the towel that is perfectly folded up in my back seat: because I am DIVING IN to this next year of my life.
